Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Loved

I wish I could take credit for this, but I can't. I don't know who the original author is, but this is beautiful to me and speaks so much truth...i had to share....

I made her. She is different. She's unique. With love I formed her in her mother's womb. I fashioned her with great joy. I remember with great pleasure the day I created her.
(Psalm 139:13-16)

I love her smile. I love her ways. I love to hear her laugh and the silly things she says and does. She brings me great pleasure.
(Psalm 139:17)

I made her pretty and not beautiful, because I knew her heart and knew she would be vain. I wanted her to search out her heart and to learn it would be Me in her that would make her beautiful and would draw friends to her.
(I Peter 3:3-5)

I made her in such a way that she would need Me. I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be, only because I want her to turn to Me in her loneliness. Only because I need for her to lean to and depend on Me. I know her heart. I know if I had not made her like this she would go her own way and forget about Me, her Creator.
(Psalm 62:5-8)

I have given her many good and happy things because I love her.
(Psalm 84:11 and Romans 8:32)


Because I love her, I have seen her broken heart and the tears she has cried alone. I have cried with her and had a broken heart too.
(Psalm 56:8)

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone, only because she would not hold My Hand. So many lessons she has learned the hard way, because she would not listen to My Voice.
(Isaiah 53:6)

She is mine. I made her then I bought her because I love her.
(Romans 5:8)

I have to reshape and remold her, to renew in her what I want her to be. It has not been easy for her or for me.
(Jeremiah 29:11)

I want her to be conformed to My Image. This high goal I have set for her because I love her.
(2 Corinthians 2:14)

Monday, December 27, 2010

Standing

I stand here, in this box; in my 'safe place'. I look out...afraid to take a step. Afraid to stand still. Anxious to move on, look forward, but still afraid to look into the eyes of the world...the people i've let down, the people that i've hurt.

I can only look up. I look up and into the face of my Heavenly Father. Crazy as it may be, i can feel His forgiveness...I can see His grace. I can bathe in His love.

I know He is the most important to gain forgiveness from. And I am so greatful for it. I just don't know how to make my flesh be ready to take the next step. To get back to the things I know He has called me to. To get back involved in the lives of those that I love so much. To be able to laugh and talk to people without this cloud of guilt smothering my every breath....In Him, I should be strong and courageous, but instead I am scared and ashamed.

I don't know what they will see when they look at me... What they will think.... I have been surrounded by only love and forgiveness from so many, yet, i know that they don't forget. I know that they can't help but think about it when they see me...they are human and we don't have a 'sea of forgetfulness'.

I am leaning on the promises and the Word of God now, more than ever. It, along with the wonderful husband and family that God gave me, is all that I have that is solid and true. Romans 8:26-28 The Message translation says;

 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good

That's my promise. My hope. My future.

I am so thankful for His love and His forgiveness and the love and forgiveness of so many others. I will continue praying and seeking for His strength to forgive myself. To let go of the guilt and place it at His feet for good. Through this season, looking into the mirror has been the hardest part of it all. I need His mercy and grace renewed every morning. Until I can take that step with courage, i will just stand. I'll stand in His promises. I'll stand in His grace. I'll stand in the shower of His love. I won't sit, or fall or turn around...He has brought me so far and I know He will bring me out. He will give me strength. I know it will come. He told me it would.


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Christmas Grace

Finding a whole new reason to be thankful for grace... a whole new reason to be overwhelmed by the child born on Christmas day so many years ago. If i'm honest, this year doesn't feel the same. The hustle and bustle, the excitement....i really don't feel any of it. The strange thing being that, still, if feels more like Christmas than ever before..just in a different way. so many things going on in my life, the latest being the loss my last grandparent yesterday. He is celebrating the ultimate Christmas season.....While my mind is bombarded with a million thoughts of life and it's current events, it is impossible for me to go a day this time of year, especially now, without considering the reason that I celebrate. The reason why this innocent baby, born in such extreme circumstances...in such a lowly environment, to such humble parents is still and always will be my reason for pressing on. The grace that comes from the death of the man this baby became is my reason for celebrating this year....i celebrate His birth. I celebrate His resurrection from death....but more than anything, this year, i celebrate His grace. I could not take another step, another breath without it.
Brokeness is such a unique place...it is where you hurt more than ever before, but are healed beyond where you ever thought you could be...while not the Christmas I would hope to have, i will still celebrate, humbly, His Grace.

Merry Christmas.

Monday, December 20, 2010

I am God's

When I walk into the thick of trouble, keep me alive in the angry turmoil.
With one hand strike my foes, With your other hand save me.
Finish what you started in me, God. Your love is eternal—don't quit on me now.
Psalms 136:6-8 The Message

Save me. That is the phrase that i cling to the most in this passage in this season. I know there is none but Him who can do it. I have become a "pauper of Grace"....

I took this from Beth Moore's book When Godly People do Ungodly Things; how i wish i had read this book years ago....I didn't copy it in it's entirity and edited a little of it to fit my thoughts better, but it's pretty much from the book....

"My name is Had. You may know me, but you may not know my new name. You may have no idea what i've been through because i do my best to look the same. I am scared to death of you. I used to be just like you. I once held my head up high without propping it up on a hymnal. I was well respected back then, and i even respected myself. I was wholeheartedly devoted to God, and if the truth be known, the slightest bit proud of my devotion. Then i'd repent......because i knew that was wrong. i didn't want to be wrong. Not ever. People looked up to me. and life looked good from up there. I felt good about who i was.  That was before i was Had. Strangely, i no longer remember my old name. I just remember i liked it. I like who i was. I wish i could go back. I wish i'd just wake up. But I fear I'm wide awake. Ihave had a nightmare. and the nightmare was me. Had.
If i could really talk to you and you could really listen, i'd tell you I have no idea how all this happened. Honestly, i was just like you. I didn't plan to be Had. I didn't want to be Had. One day I hadn't and the next day I had.....
If only i could go back. I would see it this time! i would walk around the trap camouflaged by the brush, and i would not be Had. I would be Proud. Was that my old name? Proud? I can't even remember who I was anymore. I thought i was Good. Not Proud. But I don't know anymore.
Would you believe i never heard the trap shut? Too many voices were shouting in my head.....
I screamed out for God and told Him what shape i was in. He came for me. He cleaned me up instantly. I kept waiting for Him to say, "You deserved this, you know. You've been Had." Because I did and I know I have. He hasn't said it yet. I don't know whether He will or not. I don't know how much to trust Him yet. I've never known Him from this side. I still hurt. God says I will heal with time. But I fear I will always walk with a limp. You see, I wrestled with the devil and he gave me a new name. Had."

I am finding myself again. I just started the last section of this book and the section is entitled Heading Home......I want so strongly to do just that...in so many senses of the word.

Had searching for Healed...