I am God's

When I walk into the thick of trouble, keep me alive in the angry turmoil.
With one hand strike my foes, With your other hand save me.
Finish what you started in me, God. Your love is eternal—don't quit on me now.

Psalms 136:6-8 The Message

Save me. That is the phrase that i cling to the most in this passage in this season. I know there is none but Him who can do it. I have become a "pauper of Grace"....

I took this from Beth Moore's book When Godly People do Ungodly Things; how i wish i had read this book years ago....I didn't copy it in it's entirity and edited a little of it to fit my thoughts better, but it's pretty much from the book....

"My name is Had. You may know me, but you may not know my new name. You may have no idea what i've been through because i do my best to look the same. I am scared to death of you. I used to be just like you. I once held my head up high without propping it up on a hymnal. I was well respected back then, and i even respected myself. I was wholeheartedly devoted to God, and if the truth be known, the slightest bit proud of my devotion. Then i'd repent......because i knew that was wrong. i didn't want to be wrong. Not ever. People looked up to me. and life looked good from up there. I felt good about who i was.  That was before i was Had. Strangely, i no longer remember my old name. I just remember i liked it. I like who i was. I wish i could go back. I wish i'd just wake up. But I fear I'm wide awake. Ihave had a nightmare. and the nightmare was me. Had.

If i could really talk to you and you could really listen, i'd tell you I have no idea how all this happened. Honestly, i was just like you. I didn't plan to be Had. I didn't want to be Had. One day I hadn't and the next day I had.....

If only i could go back. I would see it this time! i would walk around the trap camouflaged by the brush, and i would not be Had. I would be Proud. Was that my old name? Proud? I can't even remember who I was anymore. I thought i was Good. Not Proud. But I don't know anymore.

Would you believe i never heard the trap shut? Too many voices were shouting in my head.....

I screamed out for God and told Him what shape i was in. He came for me. He cleaned me up instantly. I kept waiting for Him to say, "You deserved this, you know. You've been Had." Because I did and I know I have. He hasn't said it yet. I don't know whether He will or not. I don't know how much to trust Him yet. I've never known Him from this side. I still hurt. God says I will heal with time. But I fear I will always walk with a limp. You see, I wrestled with the devil and he gave me a new name. Had."

I am finding myself again. I just started the last section of this book and the section is entitled Heading Home......I want so strongly to do just that...in so many senses of the word.

Had searching for Healed...