Monday, December 27, 2010


I stand here, in this box; in my 'safe place'. I look out...afraid to take a step. Afraid to stand still. Anxious to move on, look forward, but still afraid to look into the eyes of the world...the people i've let down, the people that i've hurt.

I can only look up. I look up and into the face of my Heavenly Father. Crazy as it may be, i can feel His forgiveness...I can see His grace. I can bathe in His love.

I know He is the most important to gain forgiveness from. And I am so greatful for it. I just don't know how to make my flesh be ready to take the next step. To get back to the things I know He has called me to. To get back involved in the lives of those that I love so much. To be able to laugh and talk to people without this cloud of guilt smothering my every breath....In Him, I should be strong and courageous, but instead I am scared and ashamed.

I don't know what they will see when they look at me... What they will think.... I have been surrounded by only love and forgiveness from so many, yet, i know that they don't forget. I know that they can't help but think about it when they see me...they are human and we don't have a 'sea of forgetfulness'.

I am leaning on the promises and the Word of God now, more than ever. It, along with the wonderful husband and family that God gave me, is all that I have that is solid and true. Romans 8:26-28 The Message translation says;

 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good

That's my promise. My hope. My future.

I am so thankful for His love and His forgiveness and the love and forgiveness of so many others. I will continue praying and seeking for His strength to forgive myself. To let go of the guilt and place it at His feet for good. Through this season, looking into the mirror has been the hardest part of it all. I need His mercy and grace renewed every morning. Until I can take that step with courage, i will just stand. I'll stand in His promises. I'll stand in His grace. I'll stand in the shower of His love. I won't sit, or fall or turn around...He has brought me so far and I know He will bring me out. He will give me strength. I know it will come. He told me it would.

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